Why women “test” men

Counseling & Coaching, Dating, Man Up!3 comments

A woman in a relationship with a man, especially early on, will “test” him to see if he can draw a boundary for himself. It may come off as an innocuous joke or teasing but there’s usually an unconscious motive behind this. The reason for the testing is because a healthy woman wants a man strong enough to defend himself when being emotionally attacked by a woman. If he can not do this, he fails the test and unconsciously the woman loses respect for the man. She may still stay in the relationship with him but deep in her heart, there’s a grave disappointment that her man can not be the leader in the relationship she so desires.

No matter how sweet or caring a woman is, the testing is bound to come up. It’s just part of her genetic make-up. Men are born to protect women physically but many forget they must also protect them emotionally. If a man can not defend himself emotionally with a woman, the woman will feel threatened and lose respect for the man. An inability to stand up for yourself under attack and draw healthy boundaries sends a clear message to the woman of your lack of strength. If you’re willing to risk losing her approval or even the entire relationship when provoked, that becomes very attractive to her because a woman realizes your security is not in the relationship. But if a man needs to be loved so much to the point where he can’t stand up for himself, then it becomes clear to the woman that he can not defend himself against her. If that’s the case, then she wonders how is he to defend the relationship if it is threatened in the outside world.

I’ve known men who failed these “tests” primarily out of their upbringing to be “nice” guys. But in their efforts to be “nice”, they never address the underlying issue of disrespect that crops up in their relationships.

One guy I knew took a girl out for her birthday and bought her flowers. When he picked her up and gave her the flowers, she immediately told him, “My ex was more romantic than you!”. I asked him how he responded and he told me he didn’t say anything. Obviously this is an extreme example of a woman dissing a guy but there are countless examples of more subtle ways women do this all in the name of assessing if she can RESPECT a man or not. Bottome line: It’s critical if you’re a guy to remember that garnering a woman’s RESPECT is the linchpin in the success of your relationship.

  1. Vincent says:

    You touch two interesting issues here.
    One, “nice guy” syndrome. I won’t elaborate because I think this is a big issue.
    Two, in order to find and deem a man respectable, a woman will act the opposite to him. There has to be a better way than that. Label me idealistic.

    Could you re-phrase the second paragraph starting with “If you’re willing to risk losing her approval”? I’m a bit confused.

  2. samlouie says:

    Hey Vincent,

    When we talk about “risking losing her approval”, I’m not insinuating we as men do things to spite the women. I’m referring to follow your dreams, passions, and God-inspired life direction. However, some women will not be able to handle the insecurities that may come up (i.e. lack of financial stability or security). Sometimes it may be the values you cherish which will come under fire. For myself, as a man of faith, I pray regularly but some women may be turned off by that which in my mind means I’m willing to “risk losing their approval” because their approval isn’t as important as God’s. I hope this clarifies things…if you’d like to dialogue further I offer a complimentary 15 minute coaching session.

  3. scotty lloja says:

    Sam good review you touch major points on what not to do and give in a relationship I had those issues recently 3 months ago, I wish I would’ve have read about it, or know about this, I can’t go back and change it, I just know that I have to move forward with this, and not mess it up in the long run.

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