The Incel Problem: Blaming and Externalizing the Problem

Counseling & Coaching, Man Up!3 comments

Andrew Neel from Unsplash

The tragic death of 10 innocent lives in Toronto is a reminder of the vitriol and hate stemming from a minority viewpoint from within a fringe group known as “involuntary celibates” or Incels for short.

25 year old Alek Minassian intentionally struck a number of people on a busy Toronto street with a rental van and was charged today with 10 counts of murder and 13 counts of attempted murder.

Police say on the suspect’s social media accounts, messages read: “The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”

Elliot Rodger was a purported incel who went on a killing rampage in 2014 near his campus of UC Santa Barbara after having written manifesto seeking “vengeance against attractive women” for denying him sex and affection. He killed 6 people before shooting himself.

In 2015, Chris Harper-Mercer shot and killed 9 people at a community college in Oregon before taking his own life. He was a self-described incel saying, “Here I am, 26, with no friends, no job, no girlfriend” in his own manifesto.

What makes the Incel community confusing to the general public is many of us have also gone through romantic rejection, job loss, and other social challenges, so what’s the difference?

I believe psychologically-speaking, Incels believe they have no sense of control hence the term “involuntary”. While we may go through phases of rejection when it comes to dating or romance, Incels may feel such a sense of defeat, rejection, and unworthiness that they start to believe it themselves as being “forever alone” (FA).

In my therapy practice, some of the men I have counseled have expressed similar sexual frustrations. While they don’t self-identify as Incels, I hear echoes of the same thread. They berate themselves for not feeling like they’re dateable and become highly angry at the stereotypical, attractive men and women (Chads and Stacys) who seemingly are able to effortlessly date and mate.

Part of the process is to help validate the frustrations and grief of desiring to be romantic with another person and continually facing struggles whether due to physical appearances, race and/or ethnicity, and or other social challenges (from being socially awkward up to Autism).

Once trust is built, the other challenge is helping people recognize their own role in the dynamic of rejection. This is very difficult because it’s much easier to blame others than take responsibility for our own challenges.  Sure, we can’t change our appearances and/or other limitations, but we can learn to start with self-love instead of self-hatred.  Self-hatred not only fuels self-hatred, but in certain profiles can lead to hating others so much that you want to see people hurt and/or killed. This is why I believe the Incel problem isn’t necessarily an external romantic issue as much as a self-image issue.  In short, it’s not society rejecting Incels but Incels rejecting themselves.

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  1. Francesca says:

    It would be helpful to society if you could post an article on how to help the undateable men to find women for dating. The undateable men have few options for help. Many female therapists will be scared of accepting undateable men as clients. Male therapists often tend to downplay the suffering of undateable men and tell them to “man up.” Unfortunately, there are few support groups which cover straight men’s issues. It is unprofessional to compare your clients to the followers of the incel movement. It is also racist to stereotype men of color as being undated le or more susceptible to becoming followers of the incel movement. Stereotypes destroy lives. Mr. Louie, you are capable of better work. Mr. Louie, you once won an Emmy. Please do not rely on click bait titles, scaremongering, and race baiting in order to attract readers. If you can focus on giving advice to the undateable men on how to rebuild their lives, you may be able to get both another Emmy and positive recognition. Many therapists these days are desperate for attention and hope to become TV famous Dr. Phil wannabes. Mr. Louie, please do not sell out or follow the dark path towards pretentious power!

  2. Sam says:

    Undateable is a strong word. Incels are in a self-perpetuating cycle of self-hate and misogyny which makes it difficult for them to be “dateable”. My clients acknowledge being ensconced in the Incel movement or at least the online message boards before deciding to get help. Let’s be real, if people want help there are plenty of resources available but most incels don’t want to listen to alternative viewpoints, let alone help.

  3. Travis says:

    LMAO, the only thing that they’d suggest is would be to approach women like mad men. If you’re not being preselected by women, your options are pretty much solitude, 3rd world dating, or hookers.Its called natural selection for a reason and if you’re not being preselected by women, you’re pretty much fucked but you wouldn’t know that because apparently you “know” it all.

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