Friend wants more than “benefits”
Dear Sam,
My ex and I were together for just over three years, and our breakup was riddled with one childish, explosive argument after the next. About a year after our breakup, we started becoming friends again, and in the past 2 years, have gone on to be best friends.
About a year ago, we started sleeping together again. At first it was something that just happened. Since then we’re not only having sex with great regularity (two or three times a month), but it’s the best sex we’ve ever had.
Lately, when we are together–whether it’s just hanging out watching a movie, or something more intimate, I am often finding myself wondering if we should try to start dating again, but I’m afraid that a failed attempt would destroy the friendship forever.
Do you think I should tell him how I’m feeling, or should I leave well-enough alone, enjoy the friendship and the sex without commitment?
Signed,
Friend with Benefits
Dear Friends with Benefits,
This is typical in relationships where you want a commitment but are afraid to scare him away if you verbalize your desire for one. So what do you do? Well, if you continue on your current path, then you’ll always be friends with benefits unless one of you brings up the subject.
Oftentimes, it’s true that drawing this line in the sand can mean the end of the relationship. But I’ve also seen in some instances where drawing a boundary can foster a new respect from your partner. The significance though is not with the partner but in learning to believe you are worthy of having a partner commit to you. Sex without commitment is fraught with hurt, instability, and lingering questions as to the level of trust and intimacy that can be shared between two people.
The next time you two start fooling around, I’d suggest stopping it early and ask him where he sees this going. You have to know what your goal is and work backwards. If it’s commitment, then it has to be expressed so you know where he stands on this. You may be terribly disappointed with his response but I think you’d be even more hurt if you continue this dance for another three years. It’s time to learn that friendships have limits.
-Sam
Bullseye!