Harmless Flirt or Harmful Behavior?
Dear Sam:
My very serious, live-in boyfriend had what I consider to be inappropriate, sex-related chats with his most recent ex early in our relationship and again while we were going through a really rough patch a few months ago. He has mentioned once or twice since we moved past the rough patch that he hopes to go visit her at some point in the future (he would spend at least one night on her couch), and that he wants me to be okay with this and trust him.
I don’t see how I’ll ever be okay with this. It hurt me deeply when I found out about these chats and he has barely acknowledged that it was wrong of him in any way, referring to it as “harmless flirting” and claiming they’d never follow through on anything.
Is this something I have to just get over? Do I insist on being introduced to her first? Is this an even more serious breach of trust than I’d been considering it, and should I attempt to make him see that?
-Hurt by Flirt
Dear Hurt by Flirt,
I empathize with your tough situation as your heart is obviously for this guy. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as “harmless flirting” with an ex. Flirting by its definition is meant to tease, arouse, and attract attention. The LAST thing you want to do is get introduced to the ex. The FIRST thing you should do is set clear boundaries with your bf on what are non-negotiables in your relationship. I think a fair and respectful boundary is to ask him to not sleep at the ex’s and to cease and desist from all sexual flirting/chatter. It’s DISRESPECTFUL to you. He intuitively knows it but is testing you. If he agrees great but from the sounds of it, he won’t and will only balk at your request.
You mentioned he’s a live-in boyfriend. I’m not sure if he’s living with you or you moved in with him. But in either case, I think a separation will soon be in order if he can’t abide by this request. You must remember you deserve better treatment than this. It’s your inability to establish strong boundaries that allows him to take advantage of you. Don’t put up with his flirting anymore or you’ll spend more time in mental anguish. It’s time to end the flim-flamming from the flirt!
Sam,
This is great advice concerning the establishment of proper boundaries. This girl shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of behavior from someone who says that he is her boyfriend. Nevertheless, they are not married, which makes him technically free to do whatever he wants. That doesn’t excuse his boorish behavior, but this isn’t the same as giving advice to a married woman whose husband is acting like this fool is. My added advice would be to help he realize that if she had any thoughts of marrying this fool to think otherwise, because if he does this now, he’ll do it later, regardless of any marriage bonds. Barring a miracle, this relationship is headed straight for the rocks. He is selfish and needs to grow up, while she is fooling herself by thinking it is worth hanging on to someone who seems not to be able to let go of his former lust partner.