My girlfriend’s a sex addict!

November 22nd, 2011Uncategorized1 comment

Dear Sam: I have been seeing the same girl for three years.  She makes me feel really happy and great about myself and we have a very fulfilling relationship.

The one problem has been our trust issues, which we knew we would have.  She has a history as a cheater, and I have a history of being cheated on. We’ve seemed to work most of them out, but over time I have always had my concerns and I’m wondering if she’s a sex addict?

This summer, she was unemployed and I worked long hours.  I felt something was wrong most of the summer . . . and finally snooped, only to find out about a few lies she told, and numerous sexting from a guy.  She admitted she made out with the guy at a bar this summer, and also admitted to several other lies about who she was hanging out with at bars.

My first instinct was to break up with her, but she came forward with a plan — and in a week she has gone to sex addiction therapy.  The biggest plan is to practice 100 percent honesty with me.

She says she is ready to change herself whether I stay with her or not.  She is 27.  Am I wasting my time by giving her a second chance? — Dating a female sex addict

            Your first question is whether or not your girlfriend’s serial cheating behavior qualifies as sex addiction.  I think I would need to have more information before I can definitely say so.  I do know with my work in sex addiction therapy that her behavior is typical of men and women who are sex addicts, which is a deep-seated fear of intimacy (i.e. being known emotionally).

Without delving into the various diagnostic tests of sex addiction, one big thing I have to watch for is whether a person is truly an addict or just being an ass*&le.  One way to distinguish this is to look for an internal sense of wrong or incongruence between their behaviors and their desires for their life.  To put it simply, most addicts want to stop their sexual acting out and if they’re caught feel a sense of relief and shame which can be helpful during the initial phase of recovery.  In the ass&*le’s case, there’s a sense of entitlement that’s deeply embedded in the person’s character.  They want to continue acting out and hate the fact that they’ve been caught.  Do you see the difference?  In addition, with an addict there’s usually a deep a sense of contrition, remorse, and desire to change that “feels” very different from one who wants to cheat and now is busted.  Cheaters who are not addicts will try to hide behind the label of sex addiction as a means of excusing their behaviors but they are truly narcissists in disguise with little empathy for the relational impact they have on others.

Now getting back to your situation, you mentioned you have a history of being the cheat-tee (i.e. being cheated on).  Because of your pattern, it’s not wonder or coincidence that you two ended up together.  This should be further explored in therapy.

For her part, she’s at least recognizing the problem and taking steps to grow from this.  The hard part and the question you have to ask yourself is, can you be patient and go through the “growing pains” with her recovery.  What I mean is that there’s potentially could be more secrets unveiled as she matures and swallows her own fears and insecurities of being abandoned in a relationship.  As she learns to live on life’s terms and be honest with herself and is willing to face the consequences of her actions, she can then be more forthright with you.  You two could have a very enriching experience and grow together from this damaging situation.  But can you wait that long?

In my additional training to become nationally certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT), we’re taught to offer what’s known as a “therapeutic separation”.  This is where there’s a time-specific separation from each other with the goal of repairing the relationship.  In doing this, each person not only has physical space apart from their partner but also emotional space to grow through their own issues of co-dependency, fear, insecurity, etc.  This could be an option you could explore.

But in the end, I am hesitant to give you a directive on what to do as this is ultimately your life and it’s unfair for me to rob you of this choice.  You must make this decision based on your own heart and mind but do know that you can find ample support in the form of 12-Step sex addiction support groups if you two decide to walk this journey together.