Clarification Letter to Spouse of Sex Addict
Clarification Letter*
Clarification is a key component in the forgiveness process around the betrayal created by sex addiction. Individuals who are in a committed relationship to a sex addict often feel responsible for the behaviors of their sex-addicted partner. Even when it is not true, partners of sex addicts often wonder “what is it about me that deserved this awful treatment?” It is important to understand and accept that sexual acting out is a victimizing behavior.
When you act out sexually you choose to victimize your committed partner. There is an offender within expressing itself through a mentality that “wants what I want when I want it.” It is this part that is the core of sexual addiction. The offender part of sexual addiction must be exposed for what it is — the epitome of narcissism. What must be cultivated is the capacity to tell on yourself to your partner. It is one thing for your partner to recognize by her own insight that you as a sex addict have victimized her. It is a more powerful healing experience to the relationship when a perpetrator demonstrates awareness of ways in which he has victimized his partner. Your assignment is to “un-brainwash” your partner so that she understands that you “get it” that she was not responsible for your abusive behavior.
The following instructions will help unravel and expose the dishonesty, manipulation and control of your abusive behavior in your sexual addiction. Remember, nothing can be healed or changed until it is first real to you. Exposing your offensive manipulative behavior in sexual addiction is a powerful beginning toward healing the broken trust of a committed relationship.
You are being asked to prepare a letter of clarification about ways in which you have offended your partner. Please understand this is not a letter to focus on asking for forgiveness or to explain the origin of your victimization that contributed to your offending behavior. This is not the time to say you’re sorry or to seek sympathy in any way. It is your opportunity to right the record of wrongs you committed by saying it straight in terms of your sexual addictive behavior.
SECTION ONE:
The first section of your letter is designed to help your partner understand in depth how you knew that she did not want to be lied to, betrayed, presumed upon and heartbroken.
- Identify ways in which your partner demonstrated overt and covert resistance or objection toward behaviors and scenarios that promoted your addiction. Note in detail measures you took to groom yourself (your thinking behaviors).
- Identify ways in which you groomed your partner that enabled you to pull off your addictive scheme. (Examples would include taking advantage of his/her silence or what they did not inquire about; your lies, excuses, rationales that you built to entitle your acting out.)
- Describe ways in which you attempted to smoke screen your addictive behavior. Do not leave any stone unturned regarding hidden schemes. Make sure you clearly identify your partner’s resistance and how you discounted her suspicions and attempted to manipulate her thinking in order to eliminate any obstacles that were in the way of you acting out. (Example: you may have used depression, anger or busyness to deflect attention away from your addiction.)
SECTION TWO:
Explain to your partner how your sexual addictive behavior pre-dated your relationship with her. Give several clear examples of acting out before you met your partner.
SECTION THREE:
Your partner may feel confused about your love for her. She may now feel uncertain about whether you ever loved her. Healthy attention, genuine acts of love, and sexual moments have all been skewed by broken trust and betrayal.
- Validate your partner’s confusion and illustrate through example how you created the confusion they now suffer. Remember, there will be the temptation to build a case that in fact there were times that you genuinely loved her. This is not the time or place to do this. Stay with validating how she was confused by your behavior.
- Cite any mixed messages that you gave, lies that you spoke and secret sexual behaviors that you committed.
SECTION FOUR:
As a victim, your partner may emerge from your abusive behavior damaged and unable to trust anyone in a committed relationship. On the other hand, your abusive behavior may contribute to her only trusting those who abuse.
- Reassure your partner that not all partners will behave like you did.
- Identify someone you know who is healthy in her behavior.
- List areas of your life that it would be unsafe for your partner to trust you without the consideration of accountability.
SECTION FIVE:
Your partner will likely feel abandoned or unprotected by friends, family and/or work associates whom she believed normally could have been depended upon.
- Clearly identify ways in which you tried to keep these individuals from knowing what was going on.
- Describe how you may have slanted information to make you look good and your partner look bad.
SECTION SIX:
It is possible that your partner feels uncertain and even guilty about her response or reaction to disclosure of your sexual acting out behavior.
- Validate any pain that was expressed in your partner’s reaction. While it is important to not praise abusive behavioral response, it is critical to validate and support the emotional pain that lies underneath. If your partner chose to distance herself from your offending behavior, it is important for you to support her attempt to protect herself.
SECTION SEVEN:
Your partner may believe that her shortcomings caused you to offend the relationship in the way that you did. She may think it is her fault that the family has to endure hardship and difficulty because of the boundary created by her response to your offending behavior.
- Validate your partner’s need for boundaries. Even if in your partner’s response to you, she was hurtful and shortsighted, it is important for you to validate her need for boundaries.
- Clarify that your behavior, which triggered a negative response, is all about you and not about her. Tell your partner that you support her setting boundaries, even if the boundary has a painful impact on you.
SECTION EIGHT:
Let your partner know that you realize there may be many other questions and that this letter was intended as a way of letting her know that she can ask questions at any time. Leave off any endearing closings like “love.” Just your name is appropriate.
More Clarification Examples
- I told lies, lies, and more lies (how?)
- I blamed you for not being sexy enough (i.e. weight issues)
- I was not present when I was with you, my thoughts were elsewhere
- I was not there for my children (i.e. describe impact of addiction on your relationship to each of your five children)
Lies you told yourself:
- If I look at the pictures and masturbate without contact, then no one gets hurt if know one knows.
- After all the rag and nag I put up with, I deserve being humored by Sally.
- I provide a nice living for my wife. She doesn’t have to work. Even if she finds out about Sally, she won’t leave me because she’s got a good deal.
Excuses you made to justify your behavior
- Sally pursued me or it would never had happened.
- My wife wants to make a big deal about my sexual behavior so that she doesn’t have to face her compulsive spending problem.
- This year at work has been “hell”. With everything that’s going on, I’m glad that an affair is the only thing I’ve done.
Addictive rationales that gave you a sense of entitlement to act out:
- My wife doesn’t put out sexually. I’m the kind of guy that needs more sex than other guys.
- If I tell my wife what’s going on with Sally, all hell will break loose. If I keep quiet and keep it going with Sally, she’ll be satisfied and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt my wife.
- I’ve got to keep it going with Sally. If I take away the money I give her, then her kids will go without. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
*Information is from Dr. Claudia Black
