Asian-American Shame: “Am I good enough?”
The Asian-American landscape is filled with folks who do not understand what unconditional love is. Many grow up in rigid, family environments where they were taught to succeed academically, professionally, and relationally (i.e. get married, have smart kids, etc.). Unfortunately, life is more nuanced and this desire for “success” can unwittingly teach children they are only worth what they achieve or accomplish.
When there are disappointments, let-downs, or in some cases a desire to go against the family wishes, Asian parents will not only disapprove but sometimes castigate so much shame to their children that they suffer tremendous stress and go through extreme angst or emotional turmoil.
Whether you’re dating the “wrong” person, getting the “wrong” grade, or in a “wrong” profession as seen by your Asian parents, the core issue of the individual often is “Am I good enough?”. In addition to suffering from this loss of self-esteem is the fear of being outcast from the family or branded as an outsider for going against the family’s wishes.
In therapy, I run into a real dilemma. Do I support my clients by validating and encouraging their dreams and goals even if it goes against the Asian family’s ideals and virtues? Do I support individualism in the face of the collective society which Asian culture and families is derived from? There are no easy answers. This is where faith comes in.
As an Asian-American Christian, I also know Jesus has given each of us unique skills, talents, and dreams. God plants those dreams in us. While it may appear I’m asking clients to go against their families, I feel I’m really asking them to listen to God and how he’s wired them. If God has given you a thirst and desire to go into a certain field, you need to follow that call. The Bible instructs us to “honor” our parents but Christians are also asked to put God above all else-including our parents’ desires for us.
For example, if I listened to my parents based on their own anxiety and fears, I would have never entered the counseling profession. They see it as a dead-end career that’s riddled with lack of financial stability. In addition, it’s not a very prestigious job in their eyes. But I also know this is the path God’s put me on at this point in my life. I went through my own adversity and relationship challenges, partially influenced by my own family and Asian upbringing, and God has been pressing upon me to use those experiences to help other Asian-Americans. I won’t say it’s easy whenever I have to justify my occupation in front of my parents or other disapproving relatives, but in the wider context, I feel I’m doing God’s will and that is more than enough to keep me in the helping profession.
