The Four Building Blocks of Sex Addiction
Clinicians and the public alike can be mistaken as to what defines sex addiction. Sex addiction is not defined by the frequency of sex, the number of affairs, or even the type of behaviors one engages in (i.e. use of strip clubs, pornography, prostitutes, etc.).
Some women erroneously think that because their husband “wants to have sex all the time” doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a sex addict. On the flip side, a person can have very infrequent sex but still be an addict.
At its core, sex addiction is an intimacy disorder where sexually compulsive behaviors become the primary mode of coping and emotional regulation. The addict reaches a point where he/she finds the behaviors distressing because it goes against their own values, desires, and goals.
When sex addiction therapists call it an “intimacy disorder” what we are referring to include the following*:
- SHAME: A feeling or belief that one is defective, flawed, bad, person to the core. But this shame can also be masked by psychological defenses such as narcissism where the addict feels instead a sense of entitlement, grandiosity, and superiority over others.
- CONDITIONAL LOVE: The addict feels he/she must always be “someone else” whether in thought or deed. He/she has an inability to understand unconditional love and hence are fearful of letting others into their internal world. Sharing one’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs are limited by a fear of abandonment and rejection (real or perceived).
- LACK OF TRUST: Addicts do not know how to trust relationships and fear leaning on others for fear of getting hurt. This lack of trusting others leads them to depend on themselves/their addictions for coping through life.
- SEX AS ULTIMATE NEED: Sexually compulsive behaviors become the drug of choice because of it’s accessibility and dependability for them to get the “high” that comes from sexually acting out. Dopamine is released in the pleasure centers of the brain and the addict learns to turn to sexual behaviors to meet both their physical and emotional needs. In Christian circles, sex becomes the “idol” in one’s life and becomes a god of its own, dethroning Christ.
* the four core beliefs are my interpretations of Dr. Patrick Carne’s work.
